Dynamite With a Laser Beam
by nekked
Summary: A collection of love vomits. — Zoro/Hancock; sexual tension.
1. Breast Muffs Or How To Be A Yeti

**A/N:** _I do not own One Piece or any of its affiliated characters._

_Please enjoy~_

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><p>"WHY THE HELL DID YOU LEAVE THE SHIP."<p>

"Luffy didn't come back in time-"

"WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE WE WERE A LITTLE BUSY."

Roronoa Zoro was hauling ass. Through a blizzard. With an incapacitated Shichibukai on his back. And the yelling of marine's getting louder with each step he took.

"Lucky for you," he said more quietly, ducking behind a large rock and struggling to catch his breath, "I was on my way back when I got separated from the others."

"Let me down."

"Shut up. You can't even walk. You putz around on the ship in those stupid heels and expect mountainous terrain to-"

She punched him over the head and his cry of agony attracted the attention of a marine who happened to be running past. Zoro seemed to be the only one worried about their situation though, since she seemed content to go on talking.

"You get lost on your own ship, how do you expect me to trust you to safely return me to Luffy," she questioned, her obnoxious voice calling forth a vein on his forehead. "And furthermore, your carrying technique is far from satisfactory. I suggest that next time you-"

"SHUT UP AND BE GRATEFUL WHEN SOMEONE CARRIES YOU," he roared, more for his own sanity than anything else. "AND THERE WILL_ BE_ NO 'NEXT TIME'."

Even worse than her conversation (depending on how you looked at it), was that the way he chose to carry her was, in fact, probably the last thing he needed to think about right now. Especially since, her being significantly taller than him, his head had found a rather uncomfortable spot to rest between her humongous breasts. Er, comfortable. The problem was that they were too comfortable, not the other way around-

"GOD DAMMIT," he cried again, a slight blush tinging his cheeks as he pressed onwards through the white out towards the ship. "TALK SOME MORE, WOMAN."

"IF YOU DON'T STOP ORDERING ME AROUND THIS INSTANT I'LL-"

_Breast ear muffs. I have breast ear muffs-_

_"LOUDER," _he bellowed."I NEED YOU TO BE AS OBNOXIOUS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN."

"I thought we were ESCAPING, you INCOMPETENT-"

_When I run faster they bounce more-_

_"LOUDER~"_

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><p>"We're sorry, sir. We failed to catch the Straw Hat's."<p>

Smoker sighed. "I ordered you to set up the ambush on the mountain overpass. They should have been closed in. And you had back up. I'd like to hear your reason for fucking up something so simple while I was away for a few measly hours doing my job and reporting to headquarters."

"…Well, you see, there were some complications, sir."

"Complications, eh. Explain."

"…We encountered a yeti."

"…You encountered a yeti."

"That is correct, sir."

"How do you figure."

"Some of the men reported hearing strange sounds while tracking the Straw Hat's through the blizzard. First hand accounts reported the sounds to be absolutely terrifying. Some of the men were too scared to venture any further into the storm."

"Did anyone actually get a glimpse of this…yeti?"

"Yes, sir. All accounts match up. A fairly large, grotesque looking creature that seemed to be staggering through the snow," the soldier paused, gulping, "most likely in search of fresh blood."

"…Get out of my office."

The young marine complied hurriedly, his swift exit making the wanted poster's plastered to the wall move with the draft. Smoker rubbed at his head, then reached for a fourth cigar to stick in his mouth.

_Well played, Mugiwara. Well played._


	2. Charming The Snake

**A/N:** _I do not own One Piece or any of its affiliated characters._

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><p>When Brook plays, things change. It's like we can all feel again. Not that we ever stopped feeling. More like, we can appreciate the things we feel. But- aw, to hell with it. I'm no good with words.<p>

It would be easy to sleep, even _pretend_ to sleep while he's got those sad songs drifting through the air. But I sleep all the time, more so to stay awake for things like this. I can think about things I might not normally feel like thinking about. Maybe that's stupid, because it looks like everyone else is out for the count, curled up next to each other in a pile of limbs and empty bottles. Except Robin. But that's not surprising, since it's questionable whether she ever actually sleeps. She's across the way, leaning her back against the ship's wall, probably still stuck in that book from earlier. I'm used to a fucked up sleep schedule, so I don't really mind; this feeling that I've woken up to a scene I might not completely understand. Suppose that's not a bad thing. I never know what to expect.

It's funny though, the things you see when someone else might not think you're looking. I've misjudged what Robin's attention is drawn to. The book is closed. Her eyes are looking at the same thing my own has chosen to fall upon. Chosen might be the wrong word, though…

She moves in a way that is neither subtle nor demanding. It simply beckons. To learn what the body is capable of. _You don't have to watch_, it says. And yet you can't look away. Not for want of beauty, but simple human need to know how far it can go before something breaks. But there is no break. Only fluid, illustrious action. Commandeering the space, regardless of size of audience or reason for initiation.

"Hancock-san's dancing is breath taking, is it not?" I hadn't even heard or seen Robin come over to sit next to me. I nodded, but I wouldn't know if she'd caught it or not. I was too busy staring like a dumb oaf at the scene before us.

Brook stood off to the side, the sound of his violin evolving from something slow and creeping into sped up measures that suggested mystery. His face is illuminated orange with the still burning flames of the large fire pit Usopp built just for such occasions as this. And casting long shadows as she puts it to good use, is Boa Hancock.

"Hancock-san told me this is called Nyoronyoro. It's used for spiritual purposes on Amazon Lily."

"Mm."

I didn't give a damn what it was called, and I suspected Robin knew that already.

Hancock has abandoned her shoes in favor of moving around the deck with bare feet. The rest of her legs are fairly uninhibited because of the skirt she's wearing, long and fringed with slits that ride up to her hips. As Brook hits those queer notes in broken succession, the crest of each one juts out rhythmically, putting that pale skin on playful display-

"You could move closer, Swordsman-san."

Ok. Now I know she's teasing me. I can't even glare at her because I'm sure she'd be able to see I'm turning red.

_Must be the heat._

I can hear her chuckling as I crawl over to the others quietly. It's only to get away from her and her weird way of psychoanalyzing, though. It's not like I want a better view.

_Where did this come from, anyway._

Normally this woman and I can't stand each other. And yet, as I'm watching her slide her hands over herself, I can't help but feel like I've missed something. She's so predictable during the day, either giving out orders or completely ignoring us. There's nothing complicated or misunderstood about it.

That same woman now moves each ligament in her fingers in accordance with the crackling of wood, her arms as the smoke rising against the moon. They twist slowly up from her thighs to hover over her head, then mingle with the stars when she has stretched to her limit, practically becoming a constellation. And then she contracts within herself, knees collapsing until they reach the ground. She arches back, back until her head touches the grass and her hands open to offer up something invisible. Then the music is slow again, seemingly pulling her back up, spine straightening and moving fluidly on itself. Her hands find their way from her neck to her chest, pale cleavage shivering under her own ministrations.

_Calm down._

I bring a hand up to cover my mouth in an attempt to slow my breathing. Though, this does little since my eye still refuses to look away.

Her hips remain stationary as her diaphragm supports the ribs in a solitary rocking motion from one side of the torso to the other. Her thighs have spread so she sits at a low level, blue eyes regarding the flame with focus and respect. She moves her head until she's staring straight up at _Cygnus_, soft chants escaping her lips.

_Calm down._

I bite down on my wrist, a trickle of blood traveling down my arm.

Perhaps in her enhanced state she could smell it. Or maybe I _had_ been breathing too loud. The chants continued to come, but her eyes now hold mine in regard. I almost feel guilty now that she knows I've been watching. I may have just been trespassing on the little known piece of the real Boa Hancock, the part we probably aren't supposed to see. My heart isn't pounding in fear, though, as it probably should be as she snakes her way over to me.

The chants are mumbled, probably in some forgotten language only known to those of her island. Doesn't matter. I don't really care what she's saying. Her hips are now in front of me, mimicking that same rocking motion from earlier. I find it hard to resist moving with them. They move closer to me, until they're on top of me, the movement never stopping.

"Nemurikomu," she whispers in my ear, rubbing her cheek against mine. "Nemurikomu…"

"Don't…wanna…" I can't sleep now, now that you're here…

"Dowasure," I feel lips on my neck. "Nemurikomu…"

_Ok. If you insist._

And then, nothing.

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><p>Next thing I know, I'm spluttering and gasping for air as freezing water is poured over my face.<p>

"Get up, shitty swordsman. And make you and your 'problem' scarce. Hancock-dono is coming down for breakfast." The cook looks like he could've gotten a couple more hours of sleep. The bags under his eyes are testament to the late night of drunken festivities in honor of Hancock's visit.

Normally I'd kick his ass, but I'm sort of disoriented, realizing I'm still on the deck. Everything's been cleared away and apparently everyone else has gotten up already, Luffy and Usopp supporting each other as they wobble into the kitchen.

And I don't even need to look down to know what he's referring to as my 'problem'. I can feel it.

_Shit._

I stand up and stagger over to the men's quarters, knowing I didn't drink _nearly_ enough to deserve this kind of hangover-ish feeling. Had that actually happened? That…whatever it was. To hell with it. It probably wasn't a good idea to dwell on a wet dream involving Boa Hancock. I certainly didn't plan on finishing what my lonely testicles had started. Nope, I'd sleep this one out and be back to normal by lunch.

Well, maybe nobody had to know...

I'm about to carry out my own agenda when there's a knock at the door. I answer, and there's Boa Hancock's breasts. Er, well, the rest of her is there too. That's just what happened to be in my first line of vision.

"What do you want?" Dream lap dance or not, I didn't plan on changing my usual attitude towards her. I glare in feigned contempt as she leans over so we're eye level.

"I see sleep hasn't deterred any of last night's…_stimulation_," she purrs sarcastically. I can't help but blush at the bluntness of her statement.

"Yeah, well, I'm about to sleep off any_ stimulation_ that might be left over, so beat it."

"That won't be necessary," she says, pushing her way through the door and closing it behind her. She flips her hair in that obnoxious way she does everything. "The point of Nyoronyoro is to use basic snake charming abilities."

She smirks at what must be my dumb expression as she walks over and leans in to my ear.

"It's best, in these situations," she whispers, undoing the clasps of my coat, "to leave the 'charmed snake' in the hands of professionals."

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><p><strong>Translations:<strong>

_Nyoronyoro_ **literally means 'slithering' in Japanese. It seemed to fit the most. *Kanye shrug***

_Nemurikomu_ **means 'sleep deeply'.**

_Dowasure_ **means 'forget for a moment'.**


	3. Unspoken IOU

**A/N:** _I do not own One Piece or any of its affiliated characters._

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><p>Hancock couldn't help but smile at the interesting behaviors of men. They were ruthless with each other, yet strived to cover up their grotesque tendencies when put under the scrutiny of a female. Was there no end to the idiocy? Always with the ulterior motives...<p>

_But, it would be a lot harder to manipulate them if it weren't like this…_

"You're obviously not searching hard enough," she sneered at Sanji, who was crawling around with his nose hovering over the Sunny's grassy deck. He, Franky, Usopp, Chopper and Brooke were all on their hands and knees searching for the Empress' lost earring.

"YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, YOUR SUCCULENCE! I WILL IMMEDIATELY CORRECT THE ERROR OF MY WAYS," he yelled passionately. Never was a man born of this world happier to smash his face into a floor. The blonde smeared blood across the lawn as he propelled himself with his legs and laughed like a loon, his arms collecting grass stains in their useless state.

Usopp raised an eyebrow at how far gone his comrade was. Sure it was an honor to have the privilege of retrieving the earring of the most beautiful woman in the world, but wasn't he getting a little carried awa-

"You. Long nose."

Usopp looked up at Hancock, a blush passing over his cheeks the longer she stared at him with those blue eyes. She narrowed them dangerously as he continued to sit there in his awe struck state.

"Your methods of searching are unsatisfactory. Improve them."

"Yes, your grace," Usopp gushed, immediately turning around and whistling up at the girls. Nami and Robin turned from their individual projects to look at Usopp, a grin of Sanji proportions making them frown in confusion.

"Hey, Nami, can we get some rain down here? If the earring is wet, it will glint in the sun and we'll be able to see it."

"OW! SUPER IDEA!" Franky retracted the magnifying glass he'd been using and gave Usopp a thumbs up. Chopper took a break from unsuccessful sniffing to see if Nami would help out. The navigator gave a skeptical glance at them all, then shrugged and whipped out her climatact.

"This'll cost each of you ten-thousand beri," she warned. "I'm getting wet too, ya know."

Hancock rolled her eyes. It must be torturous to be average. Something like rain could only serve to enhance something _truly_ beautiful. Or, perhaps more accurately, beauty should enhance the rain.

Nami took her time blowing the necessary bubbles to create a small rain cloud above the ship. The men of the crew stared in anticipation. Hancock waited impatiently, plopping down in the seat Salome made for her and glowering at everyone. And Luffy. Where was he? He was, of course, exempt from searching for her jewelry, but that was because he was superior. She tolerated the little worms under his command simply because…well, they were _his_ crew.

_Luffy's judgement of character is superb. I will not find a better lot of obedient servants than the ones my future husband has already picked out_, she mused, a small blush and shy smile playing on her face. Sanji caught sight of it and his mind practically shattered into pieces. Chopper ran over to him in a panic as the rain started to fall.

Luffy burst out of the kitchen with stars in his eyes, laughing ridiculously as he ran in circles over the deck. Usopp yelled at him to help look for something shiny or leave.

"Luffy!" The snake princess cried, jumping up from Salome and rushing towards him. She wasn't watching where she was going and smashed into a frantic Chopper as he screamed for everyone to 'get out of the way' and spirited Sanji into the sick room for another blood transfusion. Hancock sat in the grass incredulously, her long hair sticking to her face and the sound of Luffy's indiscriminate laughter rolling in the background.

"Hancock, you're so funny!"

_He…he thinks I'm funny?_

The world was suddenly wonderful. Hancock stood up as the cloud cleared and clasped her hands under her chin, tears of joy spilling down her face. Of course he would be able to look beyond her short comings with the fall and her messy hair. She had made him laugh! He still loved her!

_Luffy…you are so…_

"Why's everything all wet," Zoro asked flatly, finally making an appearance after spending the majority of the morning in an undisclosed fashion. He made his way over to Luffy and his stalker, apparently on some sort of mission. The guys all turned on him.

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE STRESSED HERE," Usopp said accusingly.

"ZORO-SAN, YOU SHOULD NOT BE SLACK WHEN IT COMES TO LOOKING FOR A WOMAN'S POSSESSIONS," Brook added with burning determination, flipping his feather boa over his shoulder. "HARD WORK WILL SURELY BE REWARDED WITH PANTI-"

A sudden flash of lightning and the skeleton was silenced, his bones turning black. Nami gave him a half lidded stare and blew some smoke from the end of her weapon.

"Whoops. Sometimes I can't control this thing very well."

"Doubt it," Franky and Usopp said together, slapping the air.

Hancock couldn't stop the fantastical scenes running through her head, glitter practically shooting out from her eyes. Luffy probably knew her better than anyone here. He was wonderful, clever, wonderful, brave, handsome, wonderful…he would definitely be the one to find her earring if she gave him enough incentive...

"The man who finds my earring," she said airily, staring straight into Luffy's eyes, "I will kiss him."

Immediately, the male members of the crew burst into flaming balls of confidence, each one determined to win this almost unbelievable prize. From Franky's arm emerged a metal detector that was noisy enough to bring Chopper out from the kitchen to shush him incessantly. Usopp pressed his face to the deck, desperately trying to differentiate the glimmer of the now wet grass from something metallic. Brook climbed the tree hoping to find something among the leaves.

_I have faith in you, Luffy_, Hancock thought to herself, the delusions making roses bloom around her beloved's face. Luffy gave her a weird look, then noticed Zoro still standing behind her. He appeared to be frozen in place, a dusting of cherry red embarrassment visible on his cheeks.

"Hey, Zoro, you don't look so good," the captain said, pointing at his first mate's face. Zoro spluttered something unintelligible and spun on his heels, quickly retreating to the kitchen. When he was safely behind closed doors, he slowly unclasped his hand to stare at the thing he'd been gripping hard enough to leave an indent.

He grunted in annoyance, replaying Hancock's words over and over again in his head. He stuffed the earring, which he'd been fumbling around trying to fix the clasp for all morning, back in his pants pocket and decided to take advantage of the fact that Sanji was going to be out of commission for the rest of the day.

_I need a drink. Or five..._


	4. There's Something Sweet

**A/N:** _I do not own One Piece or any of its affiliated characters. _

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><p>I've never felt so sick in my entire life. And the worst part is having to admit that something like this is effecting me so much. This build up of emotions I cannot even begin to understand…<p>

"Zoro, shut that thing up! I'm trying to WORK," the red head screams from up in the library. There's a slam as the hatch is thrown back into place.

I turn my head slightly to glance at the swordsman and his charge again. The level of disgusting has not changed.

"Shut up, will ya? Everybody's willing to put up with you if you just pipe down."

Well isn't this rich. The broccoli headed one isn't just the sword whisperer, but he's apparently got some sort of gift with furry things too. I suppose it's not surprising, considering the favor he's attained with the doctor. Animals tend to sniff out their own kind. The acid in my stomach churns, making me wonder if I should turn my attention to something a little less thought provoking.

Judgmental as I may be, he's managed to shut the stupid thing up. He lets it out of his hands and follows it at a distance as it wanders around, stopping randomly to sniff various parts of the ship.

_I MUST be bored. This is hardly entertaining._

Never mind. The beast decides it needs to relieve itself on one of the idiot's boots while he's staring into space. This is the epitome of comedy.

There's a brief time frame where I can't quite focus on his hesitant rage at the tiny creature because I'm busy repressing my laughter. Salome gives me a questioning look, but soon shrugs and goes back to sleep.

"Dammit! Come 'ere, you," he growls at the furry thing, bounding childishly after it with his hands raised like some sort of retarded bear. The animal yips and stumbles up the lawn, barely dodging the clumsy, dancing feet of the cook.

"MARIMO. I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THE DOG QUIET SO NAMI-SAN CAN CONCENTRATE. AND HANCOCK-DONO PROBABLY DOESN'T APPRECIATE YOUR INCOMPETENCE EITHER. Now. SHUT IT UP, or I'll put BOTH of you back on that raft it was floating on."

I quirk an eyebrow, but say nothing. As if a man would be able to differentiate my preferences. He sees me, and shoves his way past the green one to bring me my afternoon refreshment. An excellent servant he may be, but his current stance is blocking my view of the show. His voice continues to sing my praises, even after I've dismissed him.

"You're giving me a bit more trouble than it's worth," he says, picking the furry one up by the scruff of its neck. It seems to sense his disappointment, its ears drooping a little. His eye softens, almost giving a look of...tenderness…

_Ugh._

"Well, it's no big deal," he mumbles, setting the thing gently in one arm so it's cradled like a child.

_Sick..._

I watch intently as he walks over to the side of the deck, sprawling out lazily for yet another nap. He takes the furry thing and places it on his chest. The animal slowly paws its way up to his chin...

I nearly stop breathing, watching the dog flick its tongue out to lick the brute's face.

_What IS this…_

The twitch of a smile…

_This…_

One big, stupid hand comes up to pet it gently…

"What is this," I mutter to myself, face contorted in sensory overload. Never in my life have I seen something so…so…

"Cute," the dark haired one says, coming up behind me, "aren't they." She gives me a look like she knows I've been watching.

I am definitely not blushing. It's merely a product of being caught in the middle of a complicated thought process. I turn up my nose, refusing to speak. She eventually leaves me to my thoughts.

I glance back at the two beasts, now sleeping soundly and looking…looking…

_It's not cute. That's definitely not what that is._

Ugh. My stomach hurts.


	5. Salon De Marimo

**A/N:** _I do not own One Piece or any of its affiliated characters. _

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><p>"You couldn't just go find a pair of scissors?" Zoro growled, putting his swords back in his harameki. "I leave for what, five minutes to take a piss-"<p>

"I couldn't care less about your bathroom habits," Hancock said bluntly, eyeing the swords with a look of disappointment. "I just need it done. And as soon as possible."

Zoro stared at her as she blushed, seemingly lost in her own love sick thoughts.

"If I change my appearance, perhaps Luffy will compliment me."

Zoro couldn't remember a time in his life when he had heard Luffy give a compliment on appearance. At least not the type he knew she was hoping for.

_You'd probably be more successful just attaching rockets to your arms and shooting beams out of your eyes…_

"Hurry up and do it," she said impatiently, sitting in the grass and tying her hair in a low ponytail.

"I seriously think you should find someone else to do this," he said, grimacing. It wasn't that he minded doing it, it was more like this kind of thing counted as…well, fashion and shit didn't it? Roronoa Zoro's swords were meant for killing. Not grooming.

"If you're afraid you'll screw up I suppose I can find someone else," she said sharply. She stood back up and shrugged. "Actually, now that I think about it, you're probably the least competent among the members of Luffy's crew. How stupid of me. The navigator should be done with her map by now…"

"Sit the fuck down," Zoro seethed, pulling out Shuusui and taking the tied off hair in his hand.

His eye widened a little in surprise. Her hair was amazingly kept, the silky black strands creating the illusion that bundled together, they were one. He could tell she probably put fancy oil in it, because it felt like something that should be sold in an expensive fabric store instead of chopped off on a whim.

"You sure you wanna do this?" he asked seriously. "You have really nice hair. I don't wanna be the bad guy if you end up pissed that it's gone."

"Just do it," she exacerbated, blushing slightly at his praise. "And stop touching my hair. That's disgusting."

"Fine."

In one swift motion, her hair was detached. Zoro held it in his hand, eye glancing at her head to see how she'd react. She brought one tentative hand up to feel, the ends pressing near the nape of her neck. He bent down to put the hair on the ground.

"It's short," she whispered.

"Um…yeah," he said awkwardly, standing up straight again. "That's what happens when you cut hair. It gets shorter."

She turned around so he could see her face. It didn't quite register that she was railing on him for trying to belittle her. He simply stared at her and scratched at his cheek with one finger.

"It looks good," he muttered.

She stopped talking and blinked.

"What did you say?"

"I said," he pursed his lips and turned away, "I said it looks good. Your hair. Like that. It's pretty. You can see your neck and…" He blushed, realizing he was babbling now.

He grunted and swiftly retreated, muttering about having to help Chopper with something. Hancock stared after him, smirking knowingly.

_Even that kind of guy…_

Luffy walked out of the kitchen when Zoro entered, nibbling on a roll. He looked at Hancock, tilted his head, shrugged, and continued walking.

Hancock holed up in her room, which was normally the navigation room, for the rest of the day. She was too depressed to do anything else and eventually fell asleep. It got to be around the time everyone called it a night, and her stomach was starting to growl. Sitting up from the bed and quietly making her way down the ladder, she headed towards the kitchen.

The cook had, as she knew he would, put her plate of food on a heating pad set to low. She smiled. He really wasn't a bad cook at all.

Something next to the plate caught the empress' eye. It was her severed hair, laying neatly in a folded bundle like a towel. Her eyebrow rose questioningly and she picked up the note sitting on top of it.

_You left this on the deck. I don't know what to do with it._

She laughed out loud at the messy hand writing, knowing it was the swordsman's. Not that she had expected anything but bluntness from him. Still, seeing something he had written himself was equally as funny as when he spoke…

_It's cute. Your hair._

Oh. If she hadn't laughed before, she did now. He had signed his name at first, then tried to scribble it out. The sniper's name was written next to it.

_You're such a moron..._


	6. I Hate My Job

**A/N:** _I do not own One Piece or any of its affiliated characters._

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><p>I fuckin' hate this job. And who could really blame me, ya know?<p>

"I said MOVE OUTTA THE WAY."

The guy backs off, excited hands grasping the generic autograph book I see a lot of the fans toting around at these concerts. Apparently I'm losing my edge, because the euphoric grin on his face doesn't even flicker as we rush past. He and the rest of 'em just keep screaming, me and my guys doing the best we can to keep their hands inside the roped off area.

"Carry these," I hear her mutter under her breath, handing over her six inch bright purple stilettos to the nearest guy. Me, of course. Fuck my life.

"I ain't carryin' these. Not part o' my job."

"If you want to keep 'your job' ," she says, mocking my voice and waving to the crowd, "I suggest you take my shoes, and carry them like the champ I know you are."

She pats my head like a dog. I growl, probably not doing much to contradict that picture.

"HANCOCK-SAMA," a group of adolescent girls screams out, waving posters in the air. I grunt in annoyance when she stops to pat the cheek of one of them. Always with the fan appreciation…

_Glint._

Split second reflex and I've pushed her out of the way, a three inch switch blade lodging itself in my gut. She falls into Percy's arms, a look of shock and fear on her face now that her sunglasses have fallen off.

"ZORO," Jay screams, then flips out his radio calling for backup. The crowd's in a panic, three or four of our guys trying to get control of the situation. One guy breaks away from the crowd, Jay pointing him out to two guys on stand by.

"GET HER IN THE GODDAMN BUILDING."

I catch her other arm as Percy hauls her through the doors and out of the commotion. My other hand's clutching the wound. I can feel blood trickling down my stomach.

She's crying, pawing at my jacket, yelling at me about what an idiot I am, what an idiot she is…

"I got this, Perc. Go help Jay at the front."

I grab her arm and march her to the dressing room, meeting Peter, her voice coach on the way. They practically have to support me the rest of the way to the room. Think I blacked out around the time they laid me on the couch.

All part of the job.

* * *

><p>I can feel her hand in mine first thing when I wake up, so I squeeze it. I can't really see that well, but it feels like she's caressing my cheek.<p>

"You big lummox," she quivers, kissing my hand. "Give me a heart attack why don't you…"

"This isn't even that bad…"

I look around. We're at the hospital. Probably the middle of the night. There's only one lamp on in the corner of the room. Through the dim light I can see she's in the same outfit she wore to the venue.

"I thought visitors were supposed to leave after seven."

"Not every visitor is Boa Hancock," she says, managing to boast through her sniffling.

"You didn't do the concert?"

"How could I? My idiot husband nearly gets himself killed, how am I supposed to be able to sing?"

"Psh. Killed. Hardly."

I try to sit up. Not a good idea. She pushes me back to the pillow none too gently.

"Just stay still. They won't let you out until the day after tomorrow because of internal bleeding, so just take it easy."

I frown, noticing the unsightly smears of mascara under her eyes.

"Hancock…" She doesn't move when I reach up to try to wipe some of it away.

"I don't know why you insist upon doing this," she seethes, wiping my fingers with a tissue. "There are others just as competent as you. You don't always have to be there…"

"I worry about you. And this is exactly what I'm talking about," I mutter, gesturing at my own wrapped torso. "End of story."

She pouts, pushing stray hair from my face.

"Don't say heroic things like that when you're injured," she says in that seductive tone I love, "I'd feel guilty ravishing you when you're in this condition."

My face heats up so I look away. She laughs.

"Get some sleep," she whispers, kissing my cheek and moving to her sleeping bag on the-

"You're sleeping here?" I ask incredulously, raising an eyebrow. She looks up at me, blinking her blue eyes.

"Of course," she says, raising her left hand for me to see. "When you put this ring on my finger, I promised through sickness and health. So here we are. Be grateful."

And with that, she attempts to make a cool exit by getting in the sleeping bag. After a minute, she realizes she hasn't taken off her makeup and makes a mad dash for the bathroom, grabbing her over night bag on the way. The purple heels sit innocently next to her other luggage. I laugh and close my eyes, attempting to fall asleep.

A few minutes later I hear her foot steps padding across the tiled floor. They stop at the single bed, and I feel her climb in next to me. I blush. She's completely naked.

"Get better soon," she croons, wrapping her arms around me and pulling my face into her chest.

Yeah. I hate my job.


	7. Tinted

**A/N:** _Here's Santoryu-san's prompt!_

_'Trapped in Elevator'_

* * *

><p>The click of heels through the halls of Grandline Co. meant only one thing: the boss was on the move.<p>

Boa Hancock; big shot CEO of one of the world's largest transport companies, and wearer of killer four inch red heels with almost every outfit. Her 6' 3" height was intimidating enough without their sound echoing through the halls, her regular rounds being made as she bustled her way past men in suits doing paper work. Or staring at her ass. Whichever happened first.

"Tell Mihawk I'll be there in half an hour, and if the cab's slow, I'll just run the rest of the way. Do NOT let this deal slip through our fingers, Jimbei dear," she said assertively into her cell phone, her other well manicured hand doing its best to type out a text for dinner plans with her sister to celebrate their middle sister's engagement.

The elevator door was closing and she sprinted desperately towards it, not willing to wait another five minutes for the next one.

A hand stuck out to keep it open, her relieved eyes meeting those of…apparently one of the new guys. He nodded to her silently and stepped back to let her in.

She stepped in and threw her cell phone in her purse, moving a loose piece of hair out of her eyes. She side glanced to study the guy she was sharing a ride with.

He wore a sharp black suit coat over a white shirt with his tie loosened. He sipped his Starbucks like it was the only thing currently keeping him awake. Or alive. The bags under his eyes suggested late night activities.

"Bachelor party," he murmured, apparently sensing her curious eyes on him. "Last time I ever go to something on a weekday."

She started to nod, but in the middle of it, the elevator jerked to a stop and she lost her footing. Muttering a curse under his breath, he reached out and caught her. Both of them fell to the floor, the arm with his coffee raised to keep it from spilling.

"What in the hell is going on," she said out loud, angrily climbing off of him and pawing at the elevator door. The light flickered off, and there was an awkward silence as they both realized they were probably stuck.

"No," she muttered, backing up and sliding against the tinted glass wall, "no, no, no, no, NO THIS IS NOT HAPPENING TO ME."

"Hey, chill out. I'm sure they're trying to fix it," he said slowly, sinking to the floor beside her and finishing off his coffee. She glared at him.

"I cannot '_chill out_' when a business deal I've been working on for the last six months is literally happening in 20 minutes, and I'M NOT THERE TO MAKE IT."

She jumped up and started slamming herself into the door, sobbing bitterly when it became obvious that wasn't going to work. He stared at her, a little put off by her inhuman determination to get out for something that stupid.

"I suppose what they say about you is pretty accurate," he muttered, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. She glowered at him and sniffed.

"What the hell are you talking about? Who says things about me? Why does everyone think it's ok to talk about useless things in the work place? Productivity would be a hell of a lot better if everyone would just-"

"Listen, I'm not a big gossip myself. But anyone just walking past you would be able to see you haven't gotten any in a looong time."

She blushed and threw one of her shoes at him, the heel driving into his cheek and making him cry out in agony.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

"DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME," she seethed, pacing the small space around them and jabbing a finger in his direction.

"NOBODY KNOWS WHAT I GO THROUGH IN A DAY. NOBODY. I WAKE UP IN AN EMPTY BED, GO THROUGH THE SAME ROUTINE, MAKE A SHIT TON OF PHONE CALLS SO YOU ALL GET YOUR PAY DAY, HAVE TO PLAN SANDY'S ENTIRE WEDDING BECAUSE I'M THE FUCKING MAID OF HONOR-"

"Whoa, whoa, calm down. I didn't mean anything by it…"

"SO OF COURSE SEX GOES ON THE BACK BURNER," she finished, running a hand over her eyes and sinking to the floor again. He stared at her dumbfounded.

"You're right. I…I need to chill out. I need to…I need to…"

He moved over to her, took her face in his hands and kissed her. At first she was startled, and then she decided that, yeah, this was okay.

"Hey, what's your name," she asked heatedly, ripping his shirt off.

"Zoro," he breathed, letting her hair down and burying his hands in it.

And as the clothes flew off and the moans got louder and he coughed up a dinner date time for saturday, she wondered what she had been worried about only ten minutes ago.

* * *

><p>"Do you think they know the windows are only tinted in the elevators on one side so people don't get scared going up and down?" Crocodile asked Jimbei, both of them standing casually in the lobby and looking up at their boss getting it on with some guy in the stuck elevator.<p>

All around them people's jaws were dropped and some blushes were had when Hancock was pushed up against the glass, _ne bra pas_. Jimbei cleared his throat.

"I think we'd better go get some coffee before we go meet up with Mihawk."

"You aren't gonna call her on her cell phone?" Crocodile asked as they both walked out into the streets. "Warn her about all the jokes that await her when she comes in tomorrow?"

"I just think we'd better let whatever happens, happen," Jimbei said sagely. "Roronoa Zoro has been working with Mihawk for a while now. The man's a genius. If a frolic in the elevator is what it takes to get this deal taken care of, I'm not going to complain."

Crocodile stared at his friend, narrowing his eyes in wonderment.

"One might think you broke the elevator yourself, my man."

"Ain't no rest for the wicked," Jimbei replied, opening the door to Starbucks and chuckling evilly.


	8. Dance In The Dark

**A/N:** _Here's Ultra One Piece Fan's prompt!_

_'Hancock proposes marriage'_

* * *

><p>I've been trying to decode Luffy's cryptic messages from the time I arrived on this ship until now, and I think I finally understand.<p>

He's too shy to accept a marriage proposal from me in front of others.

It pains me in the deepest caverns of my heart to have to face the fact that, despite all of his charisma and self confidence, Luffy is helpless and retreats within himself when near me. Behind that masquerade of brilliant sunshine, lies a man so desperately in love with me that to show the extent to which he longs for my embrace means that he must shun me in the daylight.

So I will go to him in the night, like a shadow on the wall; and my presence will ignite in him the spark of our mutual love. Yes, only in the dark will my words be met with his true feelings.

"I've come for you, Luffy," I murmur into his glorious dark hair, slipping into his bunk with him. He fills my arms and I press the back of his head to my chest.

There's no reply, but he's probably too shocked that I've caught on so well. He hasn't had adequate time to prepare for this moment; the moment when we consummate our love and can be together forever.

"There's no need to hide anymore," my whisper reverberates softly against his ear. I hear him inhale and turn over so his face is nestled in my breasts. Perhaps it's too soon for me to be blushing, but I can't help it. He's so close to me.

He grunts and wraps his arms around me in a warm hug, and what am I to do but return it? I feel his breath on my skin. I'm so warm I can hardly stand it.

I feel myself heat up even more as I remove my night clothes, wanting to feel all of him on me. His shirt is already off so I press him to me, reveling in the feeling of him. On me. The feeling of us.

"Luffy, marry me," I murmur, kissing his face. "Marry me, marry me, marry me…"

He still hasn't responded, but the shock, I'm sure, is immense. Is he speechless because of my bold actions? Have I gone too far? Is this unacceptable? But I want him to be the only one…Luffy is the only one that can be with me like this…

"I'll do anything, Luffy…"

I roll my fingers over his forbidden place and he shudders, tightening his hold on me. You're so shy, Luffy, just tell me what you need…

He groans and I can feel him rub up against me, all of this too unreal to process.

"Let's get married, Luffy, please! I can't wait any longer," I cry, admittedly more loudly than I intended.

"Hancock?" a sleepy voice asks in the dark.

"What's with all the noise," the sniper asks drowsily.

The lights flicker on and I wait for my eyes to adjust. Let them look. Let them _all_ look. Luffy and I are finally able to express ourselves in the deepest way a man and woman are able to and-

"Hancock, whatcha doin' with Zoro?"

I blink. Luffy's looking down from the bunk above me.

"Hancock…swan?" the cook asks sleepily, looking up from the bed next to the one I'm in.

"Oi, what's goin' on," the sniper asks, my face paling as realization slowly sinks in…

"WHOA. Zoro-aniki! Way to be a man and just do what you want wherever you want!" the cyborg says, giving his seal of approval. "Real men don't give a damn if there's other people in the room!"

I look down. There's the swordsman, sleeping soundly underneath me with drool leaking out of his mouth.

"HANCOCK-DONO," the cook sobs, "ARE YOU REALLY DOING SUCH THINGS WITH THE IDIOT SWORDSMAN?"

"Hey, what're they doin'?" Luffy asks again. The reindeer splutters something about being an uncle if we have babies…

"I…I…this…"

My face contorts in horror as the guy underneath me starts to wake up, his eyes blinking open in confusion.

"I'm not marrying you," he mutters drowsily, turning to the side and dozing off again.

"WHOA. WAY TO BE ASSERTIVE, ANIKI. REAL MEN LAY IT OUT THE WAY IT IS."

"YOHOHOHO Zoro-san loves them and leaves them…"

By this time, the navigator and the reader have come down to see what the commotion is all about.

I burst into tears as Luffy hyuks over 'Zoro getting to marry Hancock' and 'What's marrying and stuff mean anyway', and I can't help but pound the scarred chest that has brought me to such woe with both fists. He doesn't even wake up.

This love, Luffy. It's so very, very,_ very_ bitter-sweet...


	9. Forbidden

**A/N: **_Prompt from Lion-chan!_

_'Samurai Zoro'_

**Note:** _Zoro is a hinin in this story, acting as the villages guard and occasional executioner. _

* * *

><p>Sakura bloom in the spring beyond the walls of a small village. Children in clothing that barely keeps the chill of the wind from their skin play underneath the trees, but never wander too far off.<p>

"Zoro, I'm thinking that if I go to the next town I'll make more money that way," Usopp thought out loud, pausing in the playing of his flute to see if his green haired friend was still alive.

"Then go."

"Tch. Don't act like you care so much."

Silence.

"Fine. I get it. I'm getting food. You want some?"

"I'm good."

"Man cannot live on air and sarcasm alone, my friend. And you don't breathe all that much."

Zoro stared straight ahead as Usopp walked back down the main road and into the village, his eyes drawn to the movement behind one of the pink trees. A cloaked figure. It didn't appear particularly interested in the three brats rolling around on the semi-frozen ground, but there'd be hell to pay if something happened to them while he was on duty.

"State your business."

The words left his lips before the wind had time to catch up with his flash step behind the stranger's back.

The cloaked person looked surprised, apparently having seen this guard sitting like a statue mere milli-seconds ago by the village entrance. There was a gasp as one of the blades he held at his waist was lifted to the bare neck that still showed beneath the garment.

"I'm…I'm here to-"

"There she is!" came the angry shouts of men behind them, horse hooves thundering over the hill and what appeared to be short blades in their hands.

The cloaked figure gasped and tried to break away from Zoro's grasp, but he held fast, his eyes narrowing at the five horsemen coming straight towards them.

"They're here to kill me," the stranger whispered, trying to pry her hand from his. His eyes widened in surprise at the acutely feminine voice assuring him that what he now had on his hands was a damsel in distress instead of a creep. Funny how things turn out.

"Stay here," he ordered, flipping his hat back from his head and regarding his opponents. She did as she was told. The children had long since stopped playing and ran past Usopp who had just returned with some stew and now found his best friend surrounded on all sides by some big, burly looking bandits.

"Why must five men gang up on one girl in order to kill her," Zoro asked, not sounding particularly interested in the answer they could give.

"Shut up. Give her to us and we'll leave you alone."

"Tch. Fine."

There was the rushing of wind and the disturbance of more pink blossoms from the trees as Usopp struggled to figure out how his friend had managed to get from point A to point B in less time than it took the human eye to take in his feat. And the men groaning on the ground were testament to his victory. Blood oozed from their wounds.

"Get on your horses and leave this place," the green haired man ordered gruffly, replacing the hat on his head and taking the money from all of their travel bags. "This is my payment for having to dirty my blades."

The cloaked woman watched with her mouth agape as the men turned and ran.

"You…I thought all men had abandoned the sword long ago," she whispered as he passed. He gave her a look.

"No man who was brought up with the sword ever abandons it. Would you mind telling me," he asked in an annoyed tone before bringing a bottle he'd stolen from one of the men to his lips, "why in the world five men were chasing you?"

"Zoro," Usopp finally found his voice and walked over to them both. "What the hell just happened?"

"I'm afraid i can't tell you that," she said slowly, shifting a little and trying to move away from them. Zoro shook his head amusedly.

"No, no. I just saved your ass. I wanna know why. And stop it with the goddamn cloak, alright? It's creeping me out."

She turned quickly, trying to run, but he was faster. The hood fell from her face, and as she turned to look at the both of them, their looks of surprise evolved from 'kinda surprised' to 'spitting anything in our mouths out onto the grass and choking'. The cup of stew fell from Usopp's hands and he fell to his knees.

"She's from…_she's the daimyo's daughter_."

"YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT," Zoro yelled, face pale as a ghost. He stared into the pure blue eyes of the only current heir to the shogunate throne.

"What the hell is she doing HERE?"

"LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?"

"Please stop," she said desperately, replacing the hood and clapping a hand over Zoro's mouth. "No one must know I'm here."

"Apparently you suck at being under the radar, because not only do we know who you are, five guys with knives and horses were able to figure it out as well," he said critically, smacking her hand away. Usopp tackled him and put him in a head lock.

"WE ARE SO SORRY YOUR GRACE," the flautist blubbered, punching his friend over the head repeatedly, "MY FRIEND FORGETS HIS MANNERS. HE WILL NEVER STRIKE YOU AGAIN."

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FORMALITIES," Zoro roared, kicking Usopp off and looking back at the girl he'd saved. She looked surprised at his angry tone.

"Look, I don't know why you're here, or what kind of things the fancy guys do in your court of candy-ass friendship land, but you're in the wrong place. You don't belong here, and if they catch us even conversing with you, we'll be killed. You know that right?"

She was silent, a blush rushing to her cheeks. He frowned.

"What?"

"Nobody…has ever spoken to me in such a way before."

"Yes, well, welcome to the real worl-"

She moved forward and pressed her lips to his, her blush splashing onto his face the longer he stood there not breathing. Usopp's soul left his body.

"I shall come and find you again," she whispered, running back up the hill and out of sight. Zoro stood where he was, half dead.

"How many deaths do you think that earned us," Usopp sobbed pathetically. "You just defiled the lips of the most sought after woman in all of Japan, you asshole."

"I'd say…" Zoro let the sentence trail off, trying to collect himself and walk back to his post. The children from before stood inside the village gate, two girls and a boy giggling to themselves.

"Zoro onii-chan has a girlfriend hee-hee…"

"Shut up," he muttered.


	10. Usopp's Revenge Flop

**A/N: **_Prompt from Inferno!_

_'Sponge Cake Accident'_

* * *

><p>Okay. So, in hindsight, it was a terrible idea. But in my defense, Luffy started it.<p>

All he does day in and day out is eat all the goddamn food, and you'd think, you'd THINK, that for ONE DAY out of the entire goddamn year, MY BIRTHDAY, he might be able to make an exception.

But no.

Well, you ate the wrong guy's birthday cake, pal.

I looked for the perfect opportunity to execute my plan, thinking the best option would be to just wait until _his_ birthday rolled around.

But, one that only looks for doors when there's windows available wastes his life away. And besides. This window was too damn perfect to pass up.

Above all things held sacred by our cook on this ship, is the visit of our good friend Boa Hancock. And for a woman supposed to be back home doing empressy type things, she apparently has a lot of time on her hands.

For her birthday, Sanji prepared a total of five different cakes to suit her taste and the rest of the crew's. Because she praised him highly on the sponge cake she'd had on her last visit, it was decided that her personal cake, the one that nobody else was allowed to touch, was that one.

So, that was the cake I would definitely not be putting my specially made plant extract super glue into. Everything else was fair game.

Unfortunately, I am not proficient in the art of cooking, and couldn't tell which batter was the sponge cake. In one last defiant throw-caution-to-the-wind move, I put the glue in all of the cakes. It wasn't really that big of a deal. I knew nobody would be eating much if Luffy was present anyway, and the glue is designed to only work if large amounts of it are consumed. I'd be fine.

Apparently none of my plans can just fall through.

One comment. One stupid, moronic comment about her weight was all it took.

"Oh, you afraid you're gonna get fat and that's why you have to give all your food to Luffy?" he says.

And she's all like, "I can eat as much as I want and still remain this way. My beauty makes it so blah blah blah…"

And before we know it, we've got cake flying through the air, and she and Zoro are trying to shove each other out of the way so one or the other can get to each cake faster, and even Luffy's had enough so he just kind of sits there like, 'Why is this happening…'

Yeah. I get that.

And JUST when we think things can't get any more exciting, Sanji's gotta butt his stupid self in and tries to kill Zoro, in the process slipping on some stray frosting and pushing them into each other.

See, the thing about the chemical in the glue is that it holds itself in the mouth where saliva is leaked. The build up from eating it in large amounts causes it to cement together. And Luffy with his mouth shut for a couple days sounded like an excellent idea at the time.

But now Zoro's trying to scream and it's not going anywhere, and she's crying like a baby because neither of them can get their mouths detached, and I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING, because WHY WOULD I KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING…

Three days. That's how long it took for the glue to dissolve. I can only imagine having to sleep in the same bed, take a piss, and try to do other various every day activities with the most beautiful woman in the world in a constant lip lock with you. If you look at it that way, I kind of did him a favor.

People just don't know how to appreciate my genius.


	11. These Boots Were Made For?

**A/N: **_Enjoy another Inferno inspired prompt!_

_'Marimo meet foot'_

* * *

><p>He would never play cards with this woman again. She was worse than Nami. Not only had she sucked him dry of every last penny he had, the rest of his debt was being paid in…services.<p>

"How much shopping do you plan on doing," he growled angrily, kicking a stray box back onto the pile and glaring at the part of her that he could actually see over the mountain of shit she'd bought.

"Shut up, slave."

This was her usual response. He didn't appreciate it.

A shoe store caught her eye and she yelled at him when he continued on down the road without her. She eventually had to just push him through the doors herself.

The clerk wasn't much help. Not that any of them ended up being much help. Actually, screw the buying part. This woman hadn't had to buy a goddamn thing all day, simply because she bewitched everyone who laid eyes on her.

_This a cruel, cruel world._

She stepped over the man, currently lying in a pool of his own nose blood, and sat in a cushioned chair looking at Zoro expectantly.

"Well? Hurry up and find something for me to try on."

"Tch. Why do I have to do it?"

"My feet hurt. You have to do it now."

"I'VE BEEN CARRYING YOUR SHIT ALL DAY AND YOU'RE THE TIRED ONE?"

She kicked a shoe at him and the entire mountain of boxes rained down and buried him.

_If I don't kill someone by the end of this day…_

"I wear a size eight. See if your tiny little brain can manage that."

…_it will be a goddamn miracle._

Zoro stared at racks of shoes, all of them looking exactly the same to him.

"Uh, here," he said, throwing some shoes her way. She glared.

"You've got to be kidding me." She threw the shoes and they smashed him in the face. "Try again."

He tried to not fantasize about her getting stabbed.

He made his way over to a different rack across the room, completely bored and looking for something that might get them out of here faster.

Then out of the corner of his eye, he saw some that just kind of…

They were folded up; black satin fabric over the solid heels giving a sexy sheen in the store light. He rolled his eyes, a bit embarrassed these had even caught his eye. They were practically designed for sex.

He wasn't seeing anything else to bypass his decision. Expensive whore boots it was.

"These," he said in a monotone, chucking the boots at her. "Those scream, 'Emotional Hag Seeking Love From An Asexual Moron'."

She looked absolutely pissed at his reference to Luffy. Good.

"Put them on," she ordered. He paled.

"I AM NOT WEARING THOSE."

She threw one of her red heels at his face, the same place everything else seemed to be hitting him today. Why was his jaw not broken yet…

"I mean YOU, the slave, get your ass over here and put them on ME."

Of course. How silly of him.

He dropped to his knees in front of her and gripped her other shoe, yanking it off. He waited for foot smell to be omitted. Nothing came. This pissed him off greatly.

"Your feet smell," he lied. She shoved the wrongly accused foot in his face, gritting her teeth in annoyance.

"HURRY UP, MORON."

Zoro had had it.

"YOU WANT YOUR BOOTS ON? I'LL PUT YOUR GODDAMN BOOTS ON."

He shoved her foot through the fabric none too gently and slid the fabric up past her knee, pushing her skirt away in the process. She punched him.

"PERVERT."

Well, if that's what she wanted.

He kissed her foot for good measure, and slid the fabric over her leg with his teeth. His hands followed to make sure no wrinkles were left behind.

_You will NEVER ask me to do shit for you again, now._

But he was wrong. So very wrong.

"The fabric's too short," she complained loudly, digging a heel into his shoulder. "Pull it until it goes up to my _thigh_. They're called _thigh high_ boots, you retard."

"IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO DAMN TALL, WOMAN."

"DO AS YOU'RE TOLD."

He climbed onto her, straddling her backwards, and pulled.

"IT'S NOT WORKING."

"YOU'RE NOT DOING IT HARD ENOUGH."

"IT'S ALREADY AT ITS LIMIT."

"What's at its limit?"

Zoro and Hancock looked up, Robin and Nami standing in the shop door. The two stared at Zoro, sweaty, straddled over Hancock with her skirt hiked up to reveal her panties. Wearing expensive, high end hooker boots.

"We'll just…leave you guys alone," Nami said, traumatized. Robin was failing to contain her giggles. They both walked out the door.

There was an awkward silence.

"I'll give you the boots for free, since you seem so enthusiastic in putting them to good use," the clerk said from the floor.

He received a shoe to the face from both of them.


	12. That's The Ticket

**A/N: **_The third in a series of insanity from Inferno!_

_'Zoro kissed WHO?'_

* * *

><p>It was inevitable that she face off with this woman. No better chance than this to prove, once and for all, who was more worthy of Luffy's affections.<p>

"LUFFY! MY DARLING! I'M GOING TO WIN AND MAKE YOU PROUD!" Hancock yelled from up on stage, waving adorably as her competition looked on jealously.

They wished Luffy was their fiancee.

"YEAH! GO NAMI! GO HANCOCK!" he screamed in between bites of food. The rest of his crew cheered wildly from their designated spots in front of the stage.

And what a stage! Never in her life would Hancock have imagined herself taking part in the annual Kaizoku Babe Beauty Contest, the world's sexiest and most desired bad girls gathering on one stage to do battle for 500 million beri.

But she didn't care about that. She was just happy Luffy was finally getting to see the glory of her beauty in an environment where it was desired so much by others. Maybe he'd get jealous?

"Hancock-nee~" Nami drawled craftily. Hancock glared at her.

"What do you want?"

"I'll drop out if you want. You want Luffy to pay more attention to you, right?"

"Hmph. I suppose you're going to propose I give you the prize money when I win?"

She smiled. So predictable.

"Deal."

_The faster this is over with, the more time I have to smother Luffy with my presence._

"Contender number six can no longer compete due to cramps! What a shame!" the announcer said dramatically, Sanji bounding up the stairs to retrieve the horribly obvious faker of a navigator. She gave Hancock a wink as she was whisked off stage.

Very subtle.

* * *

><p>"Hey, bro," a random stranger said walking up to Zoro as he chugged from his tankard. "You got a ticket for the contest yet?"<p>

Zoro raised an eyebrow.

"They're givin' away a bottle of that fancy brand of sake they've been pushin' all day and I won't be there to retrieve it even if I win. I'm takin' my chances to see if I can win the Kiss The Beauty raffle instead."

He handed the ticket to an awe-struck swordsman.

"You look like an alcohol enthusiast anyway. Best of luck, man." And then he walked away.

Zoro stared at it, not believing his luck. He hadn't been able to afford a ticket for this contest and he was now holding what he knew was _the one_. It had to be.

The stranger strolled away and casually dug in his pocket for the other ticket. The Kaizoku Babe funders offered the opportunity to kiss the winner of the contest if you got the winning ticket.

Thing was, Boa Hancock was in it this year. They had run out of tickets within an hour of offering them. He'd been lucky to get one.

_Heh heh, I'm gonna win, and then we'll get our picture in the pap-_

He stared at the ticket in his hand, paling.

_Aw, fuck._

* * *

><p>"BOA HANCOCK IS THIS YEAR'S KAIZOKU BABE!" the announcer screamed, blood dripping from his nose.<p>

Luffy and the rest of the crew cheered wildly, tears of unsurprised joy dripping down Hancock's face as the flowers and crown were placed on her person.

"LUFFY! DEAR! I LOVE-"

"AND NOW! THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!" a different announcer screamed, the first one having passed out from blood loss and now being dragged away. "WHO GETS TO KISS OUR SEXY SNAKE PRINCESS?"

"What," Hancock said flatly, paling. The Straw Hat crew looked at each other confusedly.

A number was called out. An outburst of joy rang out from the crowd.

Zoro jumped onto the stage, laughing.

"Sucks for you bastards," he said smugly. "The alcohol is MINE."

"I AM NOT," Hancock screamed, pointing at him and attempting to tromp off stage, "KISSING THIS."

Zoro frowned. "Who the fuck wants to kiss you anyway. Where's my alcohol?"

"HANCOCK," Luffy screamed, "WHATS'A MATTER? WHY AREN'T YOU KISSING ZORO?"

Hancock paled. Was he upset with her? Did he think less of her because she was making a scene? UNACCEPTABLE.

"Come 'ere you stupid bastard," she growled, shoving the flowers in one of the loser's hands and stalking over to a now throughly confused Zoro.

"Oi! What're you-"

She lifted him up by his shirt and leaned into his face.

"Pucker up, dumbass."

The crowd roared in approval as Zoro's face was smothered with her lips, his face turning ten different shades of red. And then blue. Because he couldn't really breathe after awhile.

"They're just…goin' at it aren't they," Franky mused, holding back an infuriated Sanji. Everyone nodded.

"So that's a kiss," Luffy said, not interested anymore. Everyone fell over.

"YOU JUST WANTED A DEMONSTRATION?"

* * *

><p>Next day's headlines:<p>

**August 2nd, 2XXX**

**SEXY SMOOCH BETWEEN SNAKE PRINCESS AND SWORDSMAN**

**SNAKE PRINCESS WORKS MAGIC AT CONTEST: RORONOA CHARMED?**

**SUPERNOVA BIG MAN WINS BIG AT BEAUTY BASH**

"I think my personal favorite is 'SWORDSMAN GETS SNAKE PRINCESS BOOTY: IS HE SACKING HER TREASURE TROVE?" Nami said, face contorting with laughter. Everyone fell on the floor, Zoro unamused and blushing furiously.

"SCREW EVERYONE HERE."

"I prefer to keep my 'treasure trove' out of the 'sacked' category," Usopp screeched gleefully.

Hancock's soul floated above her for the rest of her visit with the Straw Hat crew.

* * *

><p><strong>Meanwhile, in Zoro's old dojo…<strong>

"It's good to see you're healthy," Sensei mused, sipping his tea and smiling at the photo's splashed on the front of the newspaper.

"As long as you let me see any potential grandchildren…"


	13. Saving Private Pervert

**A/N: **_Another Inferno inspired classic!_

_'Hancock caught showering'_

* * *

><p><em>The ways of war…of the battlefield…of fallen men…<em>

"Usopp," Zoro grunted, mist curling over the moon lit trees making it difficult to see where he was going. Usopp's blood covered body lay limp in his arms, breathing coming in staggered gasps.

"Usopp, hang on you stupid bastard…"

"Zoro…we saw it…_we saw it_…" he whispered tearfully.

Zoro stumbled on a tree root, struggling to keep Usopp from feeling the brunt of the fall and forcing himself to continue on.

_They are all after the blood of men._

"Oi, Zoro," Luffy said through a mouthful of meat, raising a confused eyebrow as his first mate came out from the forest, "what the hell happened to Usopp?"

Zoro ignored him, placing his fallen comrade by the fireside and running back into the fray.

_I will not…let you idiot's die in such a stupid way…_

"Zoro…aniki…" Franky muttered, lifting an arm as the swordsman slid the rest of the way into the bunker and letting himself be dragged up the hill as well.

"Oi, oi, what's with all the blood?" Nami said with concern upon his return with the shipwright. "Was there an accident? I told you guys not to go too far."

"USOPP! FRANKY!" Chopper yelled, frantically calling for a doctor and pawing at his friends. Zoro was already halfway back to the woods.

He came back a few minutes later, Brook defying the laws of nature by spurting blood from every hole in his face and splattering it onto his savior.

"Never in my life…have I seen anything…so beautiful. Although I have no eyes-"

"I DARE YOU TO MAKE A SKULL JOKE IN THIS KIND OF STUPID SITUATION YOU DUMBASS."

Zoro kicked him to where Chopper was caring for the fallen and dashed back in.

_Cook…he may not even still be alive…_

He sidled up to Sanji and kneeled down to pick him up, the blonde's hand shakily grasping his forearm.

"It's something…you need to see…" he said softly, tears streaming out of his eyes. "Though I fucking hate you…it's an experience…that every man should-"

"DO NOT CLUMP ME WITH THE REST OF YOU MORONS," Zoro shouted, now more ticked off than ever. "YOU'RE LUCKY I EVEN CAME BACK HERE TO-"

"_So this is where you were hiding_," came the most frightening voice Zoro could have ever conceived. His head slowly turned towards the very angry, very naked owner of the voice.

"Mellorine~" Sanji whispered before slipping into a coma, tears of blood rolling down his face.

Zoro was not so fortunate.

* * *

><p>"Hancock, if you wanted to shower, ya coulda just done it on the ship ya know," Luffy said critically, poking Sanji's unconscious body and shaking his head at the shape his crew was in.<p>

"She probably didn't expect everyone to peep on her, Senchou," Robin pointed out. Hancock was visibly distraught that Luffy was upset anyway, so she said nothing.

"When there's a nice water fall on the tropical island you stop at," Nami defended, "isn't it a woman's romance to bathe in it?"

"We don't mind," Usopp, Franky and Brook said in unison, sighing contentedly.

"By the way," Luffy said, frowning, "where's Zoro?"

* * *

><p><em>Women are all…<em>

Zoro awoke to the sound of crashing water, pinned high up on the rock behind the water fall with his own swords. Though she'd had the courtesy to leave his robe on, the breeziness he was feeling in the groin area told him it would be that much more embarrassing to have to have someone come save…er…_help_ him.

He looked down and stared warily at the third sword's passive aggressive positioning, mere inches from his unclothed manhood.

_Jesus. I didn't even look on purpose. I just went along with them thinking we were looking for more food..._

The brief image of pale ass flashed across his mind, and the next time he licked his lips, he became aware of the embarrassingly slow coming nosebleed he'd developed. He sighed, utterly defeated.

_Women are all after the blood of men._


	14. Ole!

**A/N: **_Inferno's last prompt! _

_'Clubbing gone wrong'_

* * *

><p>"She's really awful at this whole 'real world experiences' thing, isn't she," Usopp muttered, himself and Zoro staring awkwardly at Hancock's attempts to dance. Nami and Robin were doing their best to help her, but all she seemed to want to do was follow Luffy around and act like she'd acquired turrets.<p>

"Maybe everyone should've taken _my_ advice and _not come here_," the swordsman said pointedly, glancing over at Sanji. The cook was passed out in the booth next to them with a drying nosebleed and Chopper busy fanning him with a handkerchief.

"We didn't know this would be so over stimulating at the time," the sniper grumbled, placing his pouting face into his palm and turning away from the marimo. "I thought it would be going a bit…differently."

"Nami-nee really wanted to come anyway," Franky added, scooting into their booth, the colored lights of the club bouncing off the visible metal on his person and painting him rainbow pretty. Because his bright, sequin encrusted speedo wasn't enough. "Think she said somethin' about teaching Hancock to dance."

"Well, she still sucks at it," Zoro said flatly. They all turned to make sure Hancock still sucked at dancing. Yep. No change there.

"She just needs to loosen up a bit and have more fun," Robin said, shrugging into the booth beside Franky and blinking when everyone gave her a suspicious stare. "Well, I like to listen and see if perhaps you're talking about me," she offered with a good natured smile.

"Well, we're all acting pretty lame for pirates in a club," Usopp pointed out. "Anybody up for an energy shot?" he asked, shaking the baggy in his hand enticingly. "It's orgaaaniiiiic~"

"I don't want your drugs," Zoro grumbled, the sniper's face becoming horrified.

"How dare you! This is a natural stimulant, akin to caffeine. It's like drinking espresso."

"I want some," Robin asked, Franky giving Usopp the 'ok' too. Zoro grunted again and waved Usopp away, ready to just go back to the ship.

* * *

><p>"Like I said, everyone else is getting some too, so it's not a big deal. I took Zoro's back first because he didn't want any," explained Usopp, Nami sweaty and sick of trying to get Hancock to do anything besides follow Luffy around.<p>

"She could use some of that. It makes you hyper?"

"This one is different. I gave it to the bartender to…wait…"

He took a baggy of white powder out of his pocket and paled. He moved over to the guy behind the counter and flailed.

"WHOA. Wait. I made a mistake. I wanted THIS one," he emphasized, holding up the baggy in his hand, "in this batch."

"Hm? I thought you wanted these ones straight?"

Usopp furrowed his brows and thought for a moment. "…Straight? Where's the other baggy I gave you to use?"

"I put it in that first order you gave me," the bearded man said, gesturing over to the group's table. "You wanted it for your green friend, right?"

Usopp fell over, his soul threatening to evacuate his body. Nami frowned.

"Usopp what's wrong?"

"That wasn't energy powder," he said, now looking around desperately for Zoro, "it's my advanced chili powder."

"…Chili…powder?"

"Yeah. It works a lot like the energy powder at first, and then-"

There came loud cheering and enthusiastic whistles from dance floor, Usopp immediately getting a bad feeling.

"ATTA BOY ZORO-ANIKI!" Franky screamed, pelvic thrusting with the music as he and the rest of the club watched Zoro circle an extremely put off Hancock, a rose he'd snatched from out of nowhere between his teeth. The DJ conveniently knew exactly what kind of sexy latin music would be perfect for this situation. (That's what they pay him for, duh...)

"Te miro, Feria de la Flores," he purred, "y sienten la necesidad de quitarme la ropa." He took her boldly by the waist and swept her off her feet, eyes smoldering in the reflection of her extremely confused blue ones. "Venir. Vamos a hacer el amor con la pista de baile."

"Huh?" Nami said, sweat dropping. Robin brought a hand to her mouth with a saucy, 'oh my'.

And make love to the dance floor they did. People came in from off the streets just to see Zoro whip Hancock around like a rag doll, Luffy's cheering keeping her from beating her antagonist shitless and the effects of Usopp's drugs keeping Zoro from comprehending his own actions. Coincidentally, they were both already light on their feet and sexy to boot. They parted when he made his way to the edge of the crowd and regarded her with eyes of lust. And then, like a light switch, he was back.

"Uh-oh," Usopp cringed...

"It's hot," the swordsman panted, clawing at his skin, face going beyond flushed and eyes widening in confusion, "Why's it so goddamn hot..."

"What the fuck did you GIVE him?" Nami asked incredulously, the crowd's noise soaring as Zoro flung his shirt off and breathed like he'd been running for days. The music picked up to match his screams of urgency.

"AREN'T YOU HOT?" Zoro screamed at Hancock over the music. "IT'S REALLY HOT."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON ABOUT?" she screeched.

"There's two parts to the quirks of the flower that powder comes from," Usopp explained, watching as Hancock's jaw dropped and her face reddened while Zoro went about screaming and stripping. "First part; adapted language from the area it was cultivated from and heightened hormonal action."

"And part two is stripping, right?" Nami said flatly, both of them watching Zoro soar out the window under Hancock's fist with his boxer's half off.

"Well, now it is," Usopp giggled, he and the rest of the crew pretty much dying of laughter as they watched Hancock chase Zoro's half naked, understandably confused self through the streets. Usopp couldn't help feeling a bit guilty, though.

Luffy laughed hysterically and attempted to strip as well, earning a fist to the face from his navigator.

"Whatever you did, Sniper-kun," Robin laughed mirthfully, "we're all definitely having fun now."

Usopp smirked and wandered into the night with everyone else to watch the falling out. Maybe it wasn't too late to say he did this on purpose.


	15. Dodgy

**A/N:** _I still do not own One Piece or any of its affiliated characters._

* * *

><p>The trick when facing off in this type of situation wasn't necessarily in who was quicker, but in having the best focus.<p>

Zoro was currently losing that battle.

Luffy lay a couple yards away in a curled, burnt ball of limbs, one of the most recent casualties at the hands of Nami's famous curve ball. He had been avenged only after a dollar bill had innocently flown from the kendo club captain's gym shorts and she'd dived for it; a shot to the face leaving her skin red and irritated as she pouted on the sidelines.

"You got this…Zoro-aniki…" Zoro glanced over at Franky, milking his injury in Robin's lap on their teams side of the gym. Somehow his words of encouragement seemed watered down when brought about by the joy he was no doubt experiencing while playing kitten to Robin's perfectly manicured (and consequently, lazy) hands. She'd lobbed her ball to Hancock, almost like they'd rehearsed her loss in the locker room, and welcomed being the first one out. Not that having Sanji as team captain this round had made that pick a surprise. It might've been worse if she'd decided to actually try competing. Her height was obnoxious anyway. And, yeah. He was still a little pissed the curly brow had had the gull to pick him last even though he knew he was invaluable.

But back to the issue…

"You look distressed," Hancock's synthetic voice echoed off the bleachers, letting everyone else in on their shit talking before one of them decided they'd had enough of staring and resorted to blows. Her ridiculous ponytail rippled off her ass for every bystander to dwell on while she walked towards the half court line with confidence. Zoro tried to focus on anything but what had knocked out half his teammates up to this point. (Including the apparently ever faithful Franky.)

"You shouldn't let me distract you," she coaxed, leaning on one hip and spinning the rubber ball on one finger casually. "Nobody would blame you if you bowed out. Since you've resisted for so long, they might question your sexuality, though…"

"SHUT THE HELL UP," the green haired jock screamed, blushing madly and pointing out the hall. "Sanji's an idiot, but he didn't have a chance. You sent him to the nurses office. That's not even fair."

"I simply forgot we had gym today," she pouted, jiggling exaggeratedly just to torture him more. "I don't carry around a sports bra if it's not needed…"

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN WEARING ANY SORT OF BRA."

"Details."

"YOU'RE DESPICABLE."

"I'll let you touch one if you lose now."

"LIKE HELL," he roared, a chorus of his friends screaming for him to take the deal and moaning in disappointment with Zoro's priorities at his (admittedly unsurprising) decision to keep going.

_I've got one chance…_

She cackled like the witch she was, leaped up in the air, and raised the ball high with her powerful arm. He knew that he needed every ounce of concentration to time it right.

When the ball left her hand, he ducked and slid forward into the half court line, whipping what was his teams last hope for victory. She cried out in surprise when the rubber made contact with her unconfined chest, the momentum of her jump making them bounce to block her view for a split second and taking the blow that would've made contact with her face.

* * *

><p>Zoro was declared a loser by every guy in his class. How could any moron take winning the dodgeball tournament over Boa 'Boob' Hancock's offer to feel her chest? Well, fuck all of them. She was probably lying anyway. Not that it mattered. He didn't care. And even though the other team'd had to run laps for losing, Zoro'd taken the opportunity to run anyway. Hancock'd sat crying with two ice packs sitting on her poor, swollen water balloon boobs and enhancing the visibleness of her nipples through the gym uniform shirt.<p>

A win was a win. That's what she got for trying to play dirty.

He grabbed his stuff from his locker, and nearly fell over in fright when it revealed the face of the woman he'd just owned on the court. He barely had time to wonder if she was out for revenge or something worse before she had him pinned against a row of lockers, her naked, reddened breasts acting as an extra pair of arms.

"They hurt," she growled in his ear, moving to guide his hands up to massage them. "Take responsibility."

"I have kendo practice," he said weakly. She glared and dared him to move from her grip with her eyes.

"You're going to have to miss it."

And he did. In fact, he missed kendo so many times that semester, he was nearly kicked out. But every time the rest of the team walked out from the locker room after gym to see Hancock bra free and standing outside, waiting for them to leave her prey and herself alone, it left enough to their imaginations and put bro-to-bro forgiveness in their hearts. Zoro was never called a loser again.


	16. The Prettiest Girl In The World

**A/N:** _Happy Mother's Day! :'D)_

* * *

><p>"But daddy, mommy's already the prettiest lady in the world."<p>

Zoro looked into the eyes of his little four year old, for the moment ignoring the wet of the grass and damp of the early morning air. She stared back, the only piece of innocence he'd probably ever had in him, tucked away and given to his lover to incubate and birth nine months after he'd done one of the dumbest things he could remember doing in his life. Or smartest. It depended on the day and where he happened to be at the time he was pondering.

Right now, he was visiting the island; willingly crawled back into the hydra's lair. Hancock was fine if he kept out of her way when she was busy, but their daughter didn't understand the world like they did; he didn't want to think she could take it personally, him being away most of a year and her mother being…herself.

"Well, daddy didn't fall in love with mommy because she's pretty," he said with gruff gentleness. "He fell in love with her because he knows she has a good heart and would take care of the thing most important to him while he's not around."

She blinked her big dark eyes and asked, "What's that?"

He looked away and pouted like he was hurt she didn't already know. Then, when she'd taken a step forward to poke his arm, he reeled back slowly to grin at her. She blushed and held a tiny hand to her smile and giggled.

"You are the prettiest girl in the world," he said low and resolutely, pushing a flower up into the hair strands near her ear. Her blush grew bigger and her upturned lips were hidden by bashful hands.

"Could I be like mommy someday?" she asked when he stood up and lifted her up onto his shoulders. He rolled his eyes.

"You'll be prettier. And have a hell of a nicer demeanor."

"And then I can marry a swordsman too?"

Zoro stopped dead in his tracks and blushed furiously.

"Absolutely not."

It was her turn to pout. "Why can't I get married?"

"You're four. You should be thinking about drinking juice and playing with puppies."

"Mommy doesn't like puppies."

"Mommy's dumb. Go find a damn puppy and stop trying to-"

"I'm _what_," Hancock asked smoothly, leaning on a tree as her family walked by, Zoro practically swallowing his own tongue and twisting his head to stare at her.

"Daddy and I picked flowers for you," the girl said with a smile. Hancock's face softened a little. She took the flowers and her daughter from off of Zoro's shoulders.

"Stop teaching Iris those awful words, you dumbass," she scolded, gliding slowly up the path and indicating she desired he walk with her. He scratched his neck and fell into step, Iris leaning over and putting a flower wreath on his head. He sighed heavily.

"Are you finished with your work?"

"I decided it might be nice to take a walk," she said with a smirk. "And I thought you might be lost."

He flushed. Leave it to him to find and impregnate the queen of sass.

"I made lunch anyway," she said cheerfully. "All on my own."

"Fantastic," Zoro muttered, paling. He wasn't fond of her attempts to be domestic. She smacked him upside the head and their daughter laughed gleefully, sea foam green hair long and swaying over her mother's arm.

"We'll have a picnic and go join everyone else."

"Get Luffy to eat your shit cooking. I don't want to die."

"You will eat or I'll make sure you die."

"Mommy said she can kick your ass, daddy."

"Mommy knows all the good phrases for kids, doesn't she."

"Do not marry a bastard like your father."

"She's not getting married. To anyone. Get her a goddamn puppy."

"Go kiss your boyfriend, daddy."

"…And just who the hell is my boyfriend…"

"Uncle Sanji-"

"GOD DAMMIT, HANCOCK…"

"RUN, MOMMY."

"Don't worry, dear, he's too short to catch up…"

"WAIT TIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU TWO…"


	17. Dance In The Dark: Witch's Revenge

**A/N:** _Happy Halloween…? This correlates to the one where she accidentally ended up in his bed. _

* * *

><p>"Does anyone know where Sanji went? I'm starving." Luffy's question got several head shakes and curious frowns.<p>

The evening was chilled and ghastly outside the galley doors, the majority of the crew staying inside with snacks and quiet entertainment on their last night at this particular island. Autumny sights like trees with leaves that grew at impossible rates and shed themselves in an array of beautiful colors had made their visit interesting. Usopp seemed more drawn to the local lore…

"The tale of the Leaves Eve Island Witch," he said spookily. "That's the one everyone's talking about."

Chopper's teeth chattered, whimpering, "W-Witch? There's a witch on this island?"

"The story of Hamula Hollow," the sniper whispered to the dimly lit faces of his audience, "is a tragic one of love and betrayal. Her fiancee set out to sea, only to come back married to someone else."

"Wow. A witch with a jealous grudge. How riveting," Nami commented, going back to her chess game with Robin.

"Did she exact her revenge?" Brook asked, strumming a minor chord on his guitar.

"Yes. She supposedly petrified both of them, and then _buried them alive_."

"I'm shaking in my skin," Brook quivered, moving to squeeze Chopper until his eyes were popping out of his face.

"You don't have any," Franky reminded him, a sudden thundering from in the distance prompting him to hug both friends in his huge arms and cry on them.

"I need food."

"Luffy, shut up."

"The only witches you need to worry about are the ones always trying to swindle us out of our money and our minds," Zoro muttered, pointing an accusatory finger at Nami and Robin. "I'm surprised Robin isn't the one telling that kind of story…"

"I'm the one who told Long Nose-kun," she said calmly, Nami grimacing as she won the game. Everyone turned to Usopp, who shrugged sheepishly.

"In any case, Dart Brow probably just had to take a shit," Zoro said as he got up from his chair. "I'm out of beer so I'm going to bed."

"No class," Nami muttered. "I hope the witch finds you and buries you. One less dirty, lazy mouth to feed."

"I think I can handle some stupid witch," he muttered, pushing the door open.

There was a flash of lightning, and before he could take a step out of the room, he was thrown backwards with the force of something huge and solid being thrown at him. The swordsman fell to the floor, the air crushed out of his lungs with the object pinning him down.

"WHAT THE HELL IS- UWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

He and the rest of the men screamed bloody murder, Zoro recognizing the frozen love struck face of Sanji mere inches from his own.

Another lightning strike, and standing in the doorway was the figure of a woman with her hands on her hips.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! IT'S THE WITCH!" Chopper bawled, Franky and Brook sobbing pitifully and moving to hide behind Robin, who was still seated calmly in her chair. Luffy wrapped his arms around Nami, clinging to her like a boogery, rubber cocoon. Usopp ducked under the table and pleaded for his life.

"That was a most obnoxious greeting," Hancock said harshly, stepping on Zoro's hand as she walked into the room. He howled in agony. She glared down at him from her great height.

"Oh. It's just you."

"WHADDYA MEAN 'JUST ME'? GET THIS SHITTY PERVERT OFF OF ME."

"I simply returned him to you. You should thank me. I brought him out of the rain."

"Hancock! What're you doing here?" Luffy cried, Hancock now narrowing her eyes at the disgusting way he was stuck on his navigator.

"I came to visit."

"DON'T YOU HAVE OTHER SHIT TO DO?!" Zoro roared. "EVERY TIME YOU VISIT IT'S A CATASTROPHE."

"Look at you, Luffy," Hancock choked, tears glistening under her thick lashes, "in the arms of another woman…I'll have to extend my stay so we have more time together…"

"YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE," Zoro hollered, finally pushing Stone-ji off of himself. Hancock kicked him in the face and he was silent in a corner.

The rest of the men aside from Luffy merrily skipped out into the rain to settle her in.

Nami accepted Hancock's unnecessary money bribes to "keep her hands off Luffy".

Robin made coffee.

Zoro dreamed of death, waking suddenly in his own bed in the night to find Sanji's de-petrified body sleeping beside him with a sticky note on his forehead:

_That's for last time. Sleep well, Sod Breath_

A single tear ghosted down Zoro's cheek, Sanji's arms encircling his waist and muttering about what his bra size was.


	18. Happy Birthday, Ass

_**A/N:** Hey yo not dead._

* * *

><p>She's bare foot and her hair is plaited back into something bumpkin looking, but Hancock still has the perception of a queen.<p>

"You're upset because you've somehow convinced all these people you actually entered the world like the rest of us and the guilt is finally catching up with you."

Zoro gives her a look over the shoulder, half his face unreadable with how slight a movement it is.

Or it could be because he regards her with the eye that's no longer there.

"What are you still doing here. The other strippers left hours ago."

The vein in her forehead swells and she hates how almost endearing their banters have become since they first made it clear they were going to be sworn enemies for the rest of their lives. But she's been drinking, so she could use that as her excuse if anyone wonders why the laugh escapes her lips this time.

He blinks in surprise. Or she's guessing that's what's happening on the half of his face that isn't illuminated. She might have said that out loud because it's scrunched again, eyebrow flung down to reflect annoyance.

"You were almost cute."

She doesn't hear that over the burp that erupts from her throat. Most of it, anyway. She ignores the fact that he's prepared for her to sit beside him by shifting his position on the ship's railing and flings her legs over like she's still disturbing company.

"If you're mad because I didn't get you a present, you can stop with your bitching and moaning. I haven't decided when to bestow it upon you."

"Actually, I haven't been giving it much thought. I don't want one of your "blessings". I'd like to live to see another year."

"Look at this rude asshole…"

She pinches the skin away from his canines, mercilessly pulling until he's grunting with the effort to not complain about the pain.

A ripple peels layers off her irises, an idea distributing light through all her features and she lets him go with such a sudden yank, that he nearly falls off the ship and into the half moon's reflection on the water.

"ARE YOU NUTS? THIS IS WHY I-"

He rights himself just as she's sliding off the wood, the perfect rolls of her butt in a pair of Nami's daisy dukes giving themselves up to gravity and following the flow of her body into the sea.

There's a small pause while he registers he's going to have to go in anyway now, and he steals enough time to heave a sigh. The residual splashes from her entry claw at the sides of the ship. When he decides to follow, the clawing is more desperate.

Zoro isn't a stranger to retrieving fruit users. The dark water is like a luke warm second home. It glitters tonight like a glass house. Her legs are glowing white, and she crawls further through the water slow as a reluctantly trashed angel from a foamy cloud.

He's never thought of her in such a way. Or unearthed the ability until now, anyway. Probably the excess carbon dioxide.

He grabs her by the braid and yanks her up for air, then ignores her angry, watery coughing while he drags her up the anchor chain and tosses her onto the deck.

"You really are a brute…not a shred of gentleness…"

"If you can talk," he grunts, falling beside her and letting the cold soak into his skin with the wind's insistence, "then you're fine."

"Come 'ere."

To his own surprise, gut turning with familiarity, his phantom eye turns to honor her uncouth request. A clammy hand comes up to his face, shaking, pulling him in until she catches the corner of his mouth with her teeth and bottom lip. It's painfully obvious she's never kissed anyone before.

He's still in a daze though when she falls back to the wood, cups a hand over her eye and stares out at whatever she's seeing.

"It's the same," she mutters, maybe to herself, maybe to him. "Same thing."

He licks his lips and pulls one of her long black hairs from his shoulder.

"I guess."


End file.
